What is Mutual Activation in Relationships?

In relationships, both partners can trigger themselves and each other. There is a lot that cannot be seen hiding in the depths of the unconscious that brings to the surface waves of fear, doubt, and the desire to protect oneself (likely trauma). For example, your partner may have pointed out to something that they may dislike- this may have triggered you, and, as a consequence, you may have overreacted. In a grounded couple, or at least with one grounded partner, the problem is resolved in the moment. However, in an ungrounded partner, this may trigger a wave of reactions which may further escalate into conflict.

Your defensive mechanisms are at play. What can you do?

• Relational Mindfulness. Notice your trigger and take a deep breath. Respond, not react.

• Use a Distraction- realize that this is a trigger and let the other know that you will attend to it when you are both calm. You can go for a walk or clean or do something that is soothing for you.

• When you are both calm, listen to the partner’s concerns and take turns communicating. Turn toward as opposed to away from each other. For example, “I noticed that my behaviour has upset you, what can I do for you to make you feel better?” (Focus on their needs and what they need in the moment)